Rejoice! The exams are over! I am now slowly recovering from extensive brain damage suffered during the exam period. Probably will get all 'C's again. What a cruel world. Some people may say I deserve it for skipping lectures, daydreaming during class and starting one whole semester's revision two whole days before the exams. This is ridiculous of course, what have these got to do with that? Some people always come up with all sorts of outrageous excuses to put the blame on me.

Well, I'm aware that among us, there're lots of straight 'A's overachievers who cheerfully dance their way to lectures, do their assignments while singing happy songs and take their exams with a big smile on their faces. Not only that, they also get onto Dean's List and qualify for Honours like it was nothing. Weird. Absolutely abnormal. These guys have major psychological problems. But don't worry about my safety, I do my best to maintain a careful distance from them.

Dasch News: Season Round-up

This month marks the end of Dasch's 1999/2000 season and the start of the new 2000/2001 football year. Well yes, we're deliberately ending it early so our historical one-season unbeaten (wonder) run remains intact. Who knows when we'll ever experience such good fortune and kind-hearted opponents again? I suspect, never again. So better to play safe and shameless. Let's go out in a blaze of glory and flashing camera lights (remember to wear your shades, guys).

The following stats show just how well Dasch has done this season. As you can see, our match results were excellent. I never dream I would ever use the words "Dasch" and "excellent" together in the same sentence. Unreal. 4 wins in 4 matches. Far out unreal.

Golden Boot Award: Cheng Cai (6)

Silver Boot Award: Desmond (2), Minheng (2)

Bronze Boot Award: Jiamin (1), Kenneth (1), The unknown opponent who scored an own goal (hey, I swear we didn't bribe him)

Slippers Award: The rest of the guys (the unsung heroes who created the goals, restricted goals conceded to only 6 in 4 matches and, most importantly, prefer more comfortable footwear)

Players: Performance reviews (..we bet this's the part everyone is most eager to read)

For the first time we'll have an award for the player of the season, especially since we had such a wonderfully memorable season. The following are brief reviews of your performances on the football field this season. Please note your off-field happenings don't count, so I don't care if you are regarded as the hippest dancer at Zouk - it's totally irrelevant ok. And the reviews also spotlight your character flaws, personality disorders, destructive criticism of your performances and so on. If you have delicate skin and want to sue me for slander, sure.. get your lawyer to contact my lawyer.

Only those players who regularly attend the matches during the season are considered, cos only then can there be sufficient feedback to make a fair judgement. The winner gets a lollipop from the management, as well as hugs and kisses from our female fans, but only if a miracle happens and they show up for our next match.

Voting is via Stupid Poll No. 9 on the Daschweb homepage and, in the spirit of democracy, open to the public (well, all our polls have always been open to the public). So spread the news around and tell everyone you know to vote for me (don't waste my effort, I have prepared my acceptance speech already.)

Minheng "Wing Wizard" Position: Attacking midfielder/striker

Dasch's "Le God". Performs miracles. Walks on water. Creates divine goals. A superb attacking player and inspirational force. No opposing defender (or midfielder or striker) has ever successfully prevented Minheng from dribbling past him, and he routinely does so in sublime style. Has a cultured right foot, awesome skill, perfect balance and is one of the best crossers in the team. Scores the odd spectacular goal/winner, but strangely has a tendency to miss incredibly easy goals (to our despairing cries of "Auughh!! My grandma would have scored that!"), else we could have won by bigger margins this season. But on his day, Minheng's a sight to behold - effortlessly weaving his way through defences, simply unstoppable and untouchable. Hey, sounds like Hairy Kewell huh? (But Minheng's hairstyle is better.) A front-runner for Best Player.

Raymond "Class Act" Position: Winger-Midfield

Low-profile, but consistent and valuable player. An eye for precise crosses, passes, shots and the occasional (stylish) goal. Excellent control and dribbling, nifty ballet moves and among the most creative, intelligent and skilful player in the team. Gives us an extra attacking dimension in his left wing role. His very dramatic last-last-second equaliser in one match last season even sparked off some rare displays of emotion among the normally act-cool Dasch players. It's hard to find fault with Raymond's game.. perhaps need to tackle more, help out defensively? Conversely, one can argue that's nit-picking and his place is as a purely offensive player. Loses out physically due to his small build, but then not everyone can be so fortunate as to possess the desirable traits of being big, wide and chubby (like Daniel) - think of Saints' Marian Pahars and Liverpool's Michael Owen. Dark horse for the Best Player Award.

Chek Keng "Michael" Position: Utility

A very useful and much improved player, has come a long way from his wild 'Headless Chicken' days to a more dignified, purposeful 'Energizer Bunny' mode. Very bouncy. Very drama-mama. Very passionate. Very enthusiastic. And a very eager utility player who can play in all positions, from goalie to forward to ball-boy. Hops.. er, runs a lot. Willing to go for the ball and, if necessary, man. Does his fair share of defending and supporting the attack. Gives lots of advice and criticism (which everyone ignores). Gives the ball away often too (bless his generous soul). Needs more work on his technical skills, but his intense commitment and full-blooded devotion to the team can't be faulted. A competent and (mostly) reliable goalkeeper, and in fact it is felt he's best at this position. Dark rabbit for the Best Player Award. (I'm taking the opportunity to let everyone know his English name here, though nobody calls him that. 'Michael?' Huh??)

Alvan "The Invisible Man" Position: Midfield/Defence

The team slacker par excellence. A player with the unique ability to completely disappear from the action (especially when Dasch is being murdered by the opposition) and only becoming visible again at half/full time. Lack of match fitness, misplaced passes, tackling opponents and chasing after the ball without ever touching either one are his other special trademarks. Plays mainly in a defensive role where he can minimise the damage to his own team. Useful at retrieving balls which have gone out of play, and standing on the sidelines observing the game with a thoughtful look on his face (this's a natural reaction when you're facing the sun). Only starts the first XI when Dasch has insufficient players, or comes in as a late substitute (to the delight of the opponents). But he's cute and cool and good-looking, which is all that ultimately matters.

Desmond "Midfield Dynamo" Position: Midfield (Central)

Dasch's strong, muscular and tireless midfield general. The heart of the midfield engine-room. Runs like there's no tomorrow - our most hardworking player. Scores like he's a striker - 2 strikes in 3 games. Operates like a German car - the model of efficiency and reliability. Has the passing, shooting and heading skills to match his reputation. I have previously described Desmond as our "Roy Keane". I take that statement back, it's not fair to him. Desmond is better than Keane: unlike the latter, Des doesn't score own goals and he's too composed to get into stupid scraps with opponents, referees and team-mates. And members of the jury, do note another plus point, he is also about the only Dasch player who bothers to tuck in his jersey properly during matches. He just needs to be more assertive and vocal (and our current captain will find himself out of a job.. well, not that anyone would shed tears for him). Real possibility of clinching Best Player award.

Ruibin "Safe Hands" Position: Goalkeeper/Utility

Had an outstanding season, with brilliant man-of-the-match performances in every game he played. Has saved us countless times when our defence collapse/doze off/take tea breaks/commit suicide during matches (yah, it happens a lot to us). Perhaps the high point came in the match against Deaf Club with all those eye-catching dives, flying tip-aways and close-range saves. Heck, the opponents even singled him out for praise after the game. What higher compliment can one ask for? A composed, brave and athletic goalie with sharp reflexes and a knack for saving penalties, and versatile enough to play outfield (as a striker) if necessary. To appreciate Ruibin's value to Dasch, just imagine if he's unavailable and we have to depend on... ta-dah! yah, our infamously erratic second-choice 'keeper (if that happens, we better adopt a 10-0-0 formation). Leading contender for Best Player.

Yiying "Mr Popular" Position: Defender/Midfield/(ex-)Striker

An astonishing turn-about for Yip Yiying Irwin Sanchez (how'd he get such a neat name huh?? we all jealous leh.) Traditionally the butt of jokes about his lack of footballing ability (and hairstyle and personality and fashion sense and...), he has somehow (how???) managed to charm everyone and is now the most beloved and popular of the Dasch guys. Although played out of position, he has done very well at the back this season. Has sexy legs, good skills, runs hard, very determined, is not afraid to challenge for the ball, risks his neck going for headers and gives everything to the cause. Has scored (and missed) some great goals in his time. Under-rated and underappreciated, Yiying should be given a run in the first XI in his preferred forward position - the old chap has talent and lots of unfulfilled potential. Note: Yiying is the joint-winner of the previous Stupid Poll No. 8, being voted the Coolest Dude in Dasch (wahh.. all of us are dying of jealousy man).

Eng Kiat "Boss" Position: Sweeper-Defender Player-Manager-Cheerleader

A succession of injuries (or something? or somebody?) have restricted his appearances, though he did gamely played on when we were lacking people. A sweeper-stopper who does his best to organise the defence in face of overwhelming odds (cos everyone follows their own idea of defence, which is "I thought YOU're supposed to mark him!"). Has a thing for dribbling his way out of defence (sometimes leaving the ball behind along the way) and setting up the attack. Pacy with the ball, and at times runs faster than the ball too. One of our best defenders when injury-free and on form. And he's the manager, so give face and a few votes for him can? (He might even let you try out his cooool bike too.)

Cheng Cai "Hotshot(?)" Position: Striker Ex-school player

Our prime target man, holds up and onto the ball well, great heading, ball control, layoffs and flicks. The tallest member of the team, Cai has great physical strength, a towering presence (of course) and a fierce shot. Scorer of some outstanding goals, who can forget his superb volleys on the turn, and those laser-precise headers? Deadly when on form and target. However, is sometimes confused as to what game he's playing, as can be seen by his occasional into-the-clouds shots (which any rugby coach would be proud of). Cai is also our top marksman with 6 goals, though 5 came in 1 match which is the team record by the way.

Kenneth "Captain Stu(d)pid" Position: Midfield/Defence

Captain of Dasch Rovers. With his (a little bit macho) military background and leadership qualities, Kenneth is an ever-present, indispensable player. No Dasch game ever starts without him. Has a pivotal role as the vital link between defence and midfield, and a high workrate operating in both areas. A stud (in dim lighting and if you are half-blind), but acts stupid much of the time. In spite of that, he has, to his credit, led Dasch to its first ever unbeaten season (LUCKY!!). Always in the thick of action ie. where flying boots, swinging elbows, charging shoulders and butting heads are (and where more sane and cowardly players avoid). Often the initiator of our attacks, bringing the ball out from deep in defence (and often promptly passing it straight to the opponents). Good footballing ability and vision. Has scored a few useful goals. Needs to be more vocal, bossy and firm with his team-mates (ie. please improve your man-management skills, captain!). Another strong candidate for Best Player.

Lester "LL" Position: Defender/Midfield

A regular who plays at left or right defence. Has mild-mannered looks, but he transforms into a fiery player on it. A pacy player who sometimes overlaps and shows some sensuous turns. Has lots of stamina, very hardworking and runs non-stop. Also the only player who dares stand up to the captain ie. quarrel with him (the rest of us just ignore the stupid orders the captain gives). Makes some great overlapping dashes down the flanks (well, sometimes). A defender with the potential to play in a more advanced position as a defensive midfielder more often, as we can use his strength on the ball there. A pity we don't have Defender of the Season Award..

Speculations on the fate of the rest of the Dasch squad and the absentees...

An apology: I'm sorry that in the above poll, I didn't profile some of you guys who did play regularly this season, as I don't see you play often enough to review your performance fairly. So next time, try to be around when I'm around if you want to become infamous and see your name in DaschWeb. Or perhaps the editor, being more familiar with people like Bryan, Suijin and Zixin, can write more about them. So how, editor?

Daniel: Rumour has it that he has run off to join the circus, and is now their (super)star attraction. Well, I can't verify the truth of this, but those Dasch people in NTU Engineering can help look out for a guy in a clown suit and inform me if they see one. Also, he will probably try to chat up chicks by saying stupid corny things like, "My name is Ding.. Daniel Ding." So listen out for him too.

Tianrui: Must have been busy with his studies. Anyone running into him at the NUS Faculty of Medicine please tell our dear "tackling nutcase" (as so aptly described by Chek) that we miss him very much, and that our defence has become more sissy since his long absence from soccer action. Dasch is just not Dasch without Tianrui's legendary sliding tackles, psychotic play and manic all-out commitment. (But I hasten to say that once off the field, Tianrui is a very gentle, nice, caring and friendly boy/doctor-to-be.)

Jiamin: Vice-captain whose services seems to be only available once every century or so. A very gifted, instinctive attacking player (in the mould of Raymond, Minheng and Rivaldo) who can get past any (and I do mean, ANY) defender with his cute feints, smooth acceleration and sheer skill. His cheeky goal in the first match (against Socceradoes) says it all - neatly slipping the ball through the keeper's legs for a memorable goal.

Zixin: Guest star. Appeared a few times for us, and was generally outstanding. More hardworking and a better player than some regulars in fact, but whose names I shall not mention to save their faces. ("Alright! Which idiot mentioned my name?!") Provides us with much-needed attacking ideas and options when he does play.

Kevin: Been years since his last competitive game for Dasch. A forum regular, that's how those of us not in NTU (like me) know he's still alive. A very diplomatic(?), charismatic and outgoing social animal who knows everyone in NTU (and everyone knows him). So how come he never help arrange a game for us with his numerous contacts (from people in high places to the middle class to the underworld)? We look forward to Kevin taking a break from hanging around with local celebrities and instead grace our humble games with his presence and hopefully bring along some of his TCS starlet friends too.

Zhiyong "A-Peck": Now here's a real nice guy who doesn't laugh at Saints fans (or if he does, he has the decency to do it behind my back). A regular forum contributor, updating us with the latest soccer results and his own perceptive analysis (mostly about how Liverpool is going to win the 2002 World Cup all by itself, and Man U is going to be relegated next season). Has played for us as a guest star, and done very well as a goalkeeper and utility player. Should be a full Dasch member if he's not yet one.. well, he fulfils all the conditions right?

Bryan: Our ultra-solid stopper/last man, who ventures up often. Ultra-solid tackles, ultra-tough blocks and other ultra-macho moves are his speciality. Has a very hard shot and shows plenty of skill on the ball. His famous gongfu tackles (and other..erm, means) have stopped many an opponent's progress towards our goalmouth. Many accurate, long-range efforts on opposing goals.

Suijin: The hunky, dashing, flying defender/winger of Dasch. Great skill on the right flank where he defends and attacks with equal ease. Hard to knock off the ball and harder running during matches. A valuable asset to Dasch when he does turn up for games. Gives us width and pace on the right. Another rare feature he possesses: nobody has anything bad to say about him. (And I'm not going to be the first.)

Pre-season Brief (sounds more like a lengthy lecture..)

It's true we are an amateur, non-profit, poor (though some of our members are swimming in money) and poorly-organised soccer team just playing for fun (heck, we don't even train). However I believe there're certain minimum standards of professionalism we can aspire to, and which we should at least try to achieve. It makes life easier for everyone, the air fresher and the world a more beautiful place. So, not to nag but just a few areas we hope everyone can take note of for the coming season.

1) Turn up on time. This is a long-running issue, and one in which we can improve ie. don't be late! Some of our opponents may be late yah, but that's a lame excuse for us to do likewise. It's frustrating waiting for our people to show up (and sometimes we are not even sure if they will show up) in order to have the numbers to start the game. Worse still if the opponents are on time and we are late.

Of course there're times when unforeseen things crop up and you have valid reasons for being late (car broke down, MRT broke down, girlfriend refuse to let go of your hand, you mistakenly thought the game starts at 4am instead of 4pm etc). These are perfectly understandable, and nobody will blame you. What is important is at least we all make the effort to be on time, or earlier if possible. Glad to report that for the last match against CCDucks, everyone was punctual. Hey, that's a quacking good sign. Please keep up the good work, gentlemen.

2) Inform the management of your availability. Another problem area. If you can make it for a particular match, please tell us. If you can't, also tell us. We normally give at least one week's notice for upcoming matches via paging, email and/or phone calls. You can similarly contact the captain (or whoever is the organiser) via handphone, home phone, email and even the DaschWeb Forum.

I know it's cool to remain mysteriously silent when matches have been announced and you are asked whether you will be playing, but we (ie. the management) are not girls and there's no point in trying to impress us this way. Save it for the real girls - I'm sure they'll love you for being a tall, dark and mysteriously silent hunk.

Of course, if you are quitting so that you can concentrate on playing for your netball team, we wish you all the best (you traitor). No hard feelings (you rat). Really. But at least tell us. TELL US! Inform us so we know. Pretty please...

3) Organise games. Now, the captain has a strange habit of forwarding invitations from other teams to me, so that I somehow become his personal secretary and have to reply and arrange the match details with them. You should have noticed that we played only 4 matches over 6 months this season. Not a very good record. How come everyone can't organise games, but can play?

So much for all those business organisational modules or human management courses you take in school. What a waste. I haven't even taken any one of these (they reject my application cos I lack a rational mind and common sense, according to them.) Staring at your fingernails won't cause matches to happen. Neither will scratching your backside. We must be proactive. Call up everyone you know, pester strangers on the streets, ask the primary school teams and check if the FAS needs a morale-boosting practice match for the national squad. Hope to get more games and from teams we never play before.. we need new challenges.

4) Sportsmanship and Fair Play. Obvious right? In case you act blur, a few examples are:

• being on our best behaviour on the pitch
• wearing the proper team kit, and tucking our jerseys in properly
• not getting involved in stupid quarrels with the referee or in fights with the opponents
• no, repeat, NO deliberate intent to injure others (no matter what the provocation)
• being gracious in defeat, humble in victory, sporting in draws
• shaking hands with the opponents after the game
• not flirting with the others' or opponents' girlfriends on the sidelines
• think safety first - not bringing your Nokia mobile phone or Rolex or Hello Kitty handbag with you onto the pitch
• not passing the ball to the muddy areas of the field (be considerate). Personally, I'm not much the outdoors type. But I understand that at present we can't afford to hire the Indoor Stadium for our games, so no choice but to brave the natural elements (ie. the sun, wind, rain, insects, mud, mud and more mud.)

Simply, a good reputation goes a long way. But by and large, we have no problems in this aspect. So far, our on-field conduct has been very good. We have been behaving like angels. (Right. I, Lucifer, am trying my best not to kill myself laughing... hahahahah.) So let's continue to take things easy and keep our sense of humour when the football gods, referee, weather and government are conspiring against us (and we are down 5-0 within 20 minutes).

4) Bring more fans. And I don't mean those electrical appliances which blow air. The presence of lots of fans will spur us on to put on a better show. That's the theory at least, I don't know whether it will really work cos we never had more than 3 or 4 'fans' (actually, our bored subs on the bench) supporting us. What happened to our Fan Club huh? Even the girlfriends have stopped showing up. What happened to our Fan Club President huh? He has stopped showing up too. We demand answers.

Reflections on a decade of "Acting Stupid"...

Lastly, let us note that this year is the 10th anniversary of Dasch Rovers' founding. (Ed: er..there needs to be some discussion here about our founding date) It was eons ago.. in an obscure school far, far away.. way back in 1990 actually, when some of the pioneering members of Dasch fatefully got to know each other in our secondary one class (if I've known, I would never have gone to that school).

From such humble beginnings, the team took root and expanded under the rallying motto of "Don't act stupid!"... going through countless defeats, numerous touranments, XXX-rated tackles, life-threatening injuries, heated quarrels, stupid jokes, ugly jerseys, more stupid jokes, biased referees, jeering crowds, muddy fields, yet more stupid jokes and countless defeats (or have I mentioned this already?). I believe we all are proud of our achievement in sticking together as a team for a decade, which is nearly half our lives.

And through various disasters, trials and anti-soccer forces like nagging parents ("Why you hang around with those lazy bums?"), concerned non-Dasch friends ("Why you hang around with those stupid losers?"), non-soccer-fan girlfriends ("Why you hang around with those uncool dorks?") and high-class university peers ("Why do you hang around with those low-class scum?"). Ok, so what's the reason?

Now, I'll like to say that it's because we have this unbreakable bond of brotherhood, eternal flame of friendship and unflagging sense of loyalty to each other. But my mum always taught me not to lie. So.. erm, actually the truth is.. well, for more pragmatic reasons, basically we are fanatic soccer fans/players. The problem is, we can't find any other local amateur clubs who wants us in their teams, and the S-League youth/reserves teams also reject our application to join them (that's why the standard of local pro football is so low now).

Alas, we were forced to learn to tolerate one another (I mean, if I had a choice..) and form our own team in order to get our adrenaline rush from kicking a round object. For those who don't understand the attraction, it's like nicotine addiction. If you still don't comprehend, well it's like a religion. If you still still don't get it (you stupid fool!), let me phrase it this way: it is the meaning of life itself. In short, it's FUN! Those of you who never play football before should try it someday.

Of course, captain-editor Kenneth has a more mushy version of this story which you can find in his commentary "Those who want to join us read this!" He says something stupid about us being lovey-dovey, sentimental and nostalgic about old times which I felt sick reading. Come on, do you believe him or me?

In conclusion...

OK. Let's have some soccer action soon, and more match reports and analysis which "rival Soccernet's" (the editors thank Desmond for such high, but misguided, praise). In fact, if you look around and read all the local teams' and even international soccer websites' contents, you will find DaschWeb undoubtedly contains the most stupid... huhh I mean.. entertaining, sparkling and original prose around. It is no exaggeration to say our stuff is Pulitzer Prize for Journalism material. (We are well-known for our sense of humility too.)

Looking forward to Euro 2000 too. June - Football Heaven!

On to the start of the new season. Stay healthy and see you. And may we prosper.

Co-editor, Alvan

DaschWeb "Dignity In Defeat"

Email: daschrovers@iname.com

(Note: Comments and feedback on anything regarding our team are very much welcomed.)

Urge to say something? Shout (Don't bother talking) at the co-editor, Alvan at our forum page.