... to April.

Hey! March is over now. That's fast. Today is April Fool's day already.

A brief memo from the Co-editorial Desk

Good mood.. inspiring thoughts... a sunny and (as usual) dateless Saturday.. so here's the next editorial for the nationally-acclaimed Dasch "don't act stupid" Web. I've just finished a stupid 15-page report on the impact of the Asian economic crisis on blah blah blah. And finished at the very last minute, cos I started writing it at the second-last minute. Whee! What a bloody relief! Actually I cheated. I did only 14 pages, the 15th page was the bibliography which I hope my professor won't notice. Also threw in lots of irrelevant tables, graphs and statistics to fill up the space. Not bad, made the deadline.. my reputation as a serious, hardworking, determined, model student is still intact (as long as you people don't betray me). A shining example and excellent role model to all the little kids out there - that's me.

General Stuff

It's been a long while since our last match, last DaschWeb update, last editorial and last swoon-some appearance of the co-editor in a Dasch jersey (By the way, how come such a high-ranking chap like the co-editor still lacks the team kit, and have to borrow from others everytime? Why huh?? This is a disgrace. I'll like the stupid captain to do something about this.) Our absence from the football field and in cyberspace means a lot of heartbreak and pining on the part of our numerous, devoted female fans who never show up for our matches, but at least we're always on their minds (I think). All the inactivity, of course, is not my fault. What happened? Is Dasch still alive? Are we heartthrobs-superstars disbanding? Are rumours of so-and-so's transfer to such-and-such club true? Is so-and-so's change in hairstyle due to his girlfriend's idea/pressure? Has so-and-so's mental health improved? No comment, please direct all questions to the top management. (Hey, I'm only the ball-boy.)

And I noticed that our cool banner showing the Dasch hunks at the top centre of our website has been replaced by some not-so-cool advertisements. Mmm. Well. So. Commercialisation has crept into our once pure and (financially) innocent website. Well, I don't know if I should be happy or sad. But looking on the bright side, DaschWeb may finally be earning revenue (ie. $$$!), and the long-suffering voluntary DaschWeb staff (such as the co-editor, the head of the propaganda department and the reporter) will get paid at last.

Football/Personnel News

January to March 2000 has been a rather barren period for Dasch Rovers, playing only 2 matches both of which we won, including the last one for which I didn't show up, which explains why that match's scoreline (1-0) was so low. I can't comment much on this match, since I was not there, except to say that our team's shooting seems to be getting worse.. that is, if Kenneth's match report is reliable. Of course, all those who never turn up for this game would be saying things like, "you idiots! fools! sissies! I could have scored, even a blind man couldn't have missed, or my grandmother, or my kid sister. arggh! dummies!" and so on.. this is a family-oriented website so I regret that the rest of the rants are unprintable. Now as a fair, level-headed, unbiased, impartial person, I'm not going to condemn anyone or boast about my own abilities, even though I would have got a hat-trick or two (or even three) if I had been around then.

Also, some of our players seem to have completely disappeared. If we ever go to look for these missing guys, I guess most likely we will discover that some are buried under piles of books, others under piles of bodies (babes', that is), and the rest have been abducted either by aliens from Planet Zorky, Alpha Centuri, or "gers" from Planet Earth, Milky Way. Our ger specialist-expert, Daniel "Dong" Ding, would be glad to elaborate on the latter ie. how to get yourself abducted by them gers, if anyone is interested to know more. (Hey, Daniel's nickname refers to the sound of the bell.. it's not what you think.. no, really.) The upcoming exams in April should ensure that our record-shattering winning run cum unbeaten streak continues for at least another month, cos we won't be playing any matches at all during this hectic period.

Poll Results

Now, for the analysis of Act Stupid Poll No. We're closing the poll after running it for so long. The question and results are: What should we do with our female fans?

• Ignore them (Number of votes: 9) 19%
• Worship them (1) 2%
• Kiss them (6) 13%
• Set them up with Co-ed (0) 0%
• Set them up with Zhang Han (1) 2%
• Ask them out to treat them (0) 0%
• Ask them for a treat (5) 10%
• Autograph our pics and give them (0) 0%
• Abuse them (4) 8%
• Call them be our ball girls (2) 4%
• Call them to be our water girls (1) 2%
• Call them to be our pom pom girls (7) 15%
• Ask them to get their friends to join our fan club (10) 21%

Total: 46 votes.

The co-editor's..ahem.. brilliant and perceptive analysis follows:

Firstly, there are 46 votes. But Dasch Rovers has only 20+ members at most, which means some other people find this poll so interesting (credit to the author, Kenn) that they vote despite having nothing to do with Dasch or our fans. Nuts.

Results: The last option, "Ask them to get their friends to join our fan club" was the most popular choice with 10 votes. But before people start saying we are desperate, the second most popular choice was "Ignore them", 9 votes. (Are we cool or what?) The rest of the votes show the Dasch guys' (yeah yah right) sensitive and gentlemanly side, with "Call them to be our pom pom girls", "Kiss them", "Ask them for a treat", "Abuse them" each getting 4 votes or more. Of course, the results are skewed by the fact that about half of the votes are NOT from us, but our rivals and enemies. So.. dear fans, do take the results with a pinch of salt. We're all actually very sweet guys. We're also very sweet-looking too (hey, can someone put up Tianrui's photo in a prominent spot on the site? We need some convincing evidence.)

Bouquets

Lastly, I'll like to thank Lester for his kindness, community spirit and generosity in helping me with a fundraising project (and also his support for my editorials). Thanks very much, Les. I do appreciate it a lot. And also a special mention to Chek Keng for his success in getting attached. Erm, I mean attached to a "prestigious organisation" for his accountancy course IA. Sorry, that's all I know cos that's all the info in the DaschWeb newsletter. Perhaps Chek can provide more details, like which company it is (ask whether they need a writer who specialises in propaganda, lies and fiction), the working environment (any chicks? "gers"? nice scenery?), interesting encounters with office politics (have you ever gone home and then discover a knife stuck in your back?) and the people there (have you received threatening letters from male colleagues jealous of your good looks? love notes from female ones?). Anyway, our heartfelt congratulations to Chek Keng, our hot-shot, rising star and ace accountant-to-be. We're damn proud of the guy. Let's hope he juggles figures better than he juggles soccer balls. I'm sure he will. And yeah, I almost forget.. our captain himself, Kenneth, who is also doing his IA, but in some obscure company, and who pops up every now and then to ask if we're all dead (and decomposing), how come nobody's organising matches, when's the stupid, lazy co-editor writing the next editorial nagnagnagnag.. and who is also laughing at the rest of us mugging for our exams. My apologies to any others whose heart-warming happenings are not mentioned here.. hey don't shy, please do keep the editor informed so all of us at Dasch can share your joy and good fortune.

In the meantime, keep a lookout for potential victims we can thrash (guys, guys.. think of our record unbeaten run hor). Hopefully, we should be resuming our terrorist campaign against other local soccer teams in our vacation months of May/June/July. (During this period, anyone interested in hiring the co-editor of DaschWeb as a freelance writer is also welcome to contact him. As mentioned before, he specialises in propaganda, lies and fiction, which should be useful to all those companies seeking to distort facts, badmouth their rivals and deceive the public. "Ethics? Morals? Me?")

Ok, to everyone.. good luck and all the very best for your exams!

Till then,

A. Yap

Co-editor / Head of Propaganda Department / Reporter DaschWeb

Urge to say something? Shout (Don't bother talking) at the co-editor, Alvan at our forum page.