A warm welcome back to Dasch Football Channel after the commercial break. During the lengthy disappearance of DaschWeb's famous Act-Stupid editorials, our legions of swooning star-stuck female fans must have missed my bright eyes and sweet smile terribly, for which I sincerely apologise. Also deepest appreciation for the fan mail, touching words of praise and intriguing offers of romantic dates.. but dear fans, it'll be your treat :) Erm, I'll just like to say that the (cult-like) popularity of my column among the general public is a mystery to me, since it contains no violence, R(A) images, animated dancing bunnies, obscene words, malicious gossip, juicy (unsubstantiated) rumours as well as having not a single shred of newsworthy material.

Anyway, moving on to less important matters...
I sure hope all our troops survived the exams safe, sound and in one piece. (As we'll be kicked into pitched battles on soccer fields soon, and desperately need all the warm bodies we can enlist.) Well, as usual, I'm very much aware - you don't have to remind me - certain Dasch guys are emotionally crushed that the semester is over, the holidays are here again, they don't have to attend lectures, tutorials and lab sessions and hence can't score straight As anymore. (Are they human?!) Let's just ignore these mentally (or electronically) unbalanced robots who surely have lots of loose screws rattling around in their heads. The 'in' thing now, of which those mechanical men seem oblivious, is to be a straight Cs student, like me. (The 'C' stands for 'Cool', you fool.)

Here, we will pause to look back on our awe-inspiring footballing (non)achievements in Season 3 so far. The following rambling analysis (by yours truly) will focus on updates of our matches since the last editorial, ask probing questions like what dates we will be playing our next games, and provide agony-auntie advice and consolation to those sad cases with no dates during the month-long school vacation.

Mmmmm. On second thought, I'll scrap the last part, since it is a scientific fact that we Dasch beefcakes have no problems getting hot dates such as invitations to candlelight dinners, foam parties, happening pubs and (even!) private residences - all from our female fans. Data from our online tracking program (http://212.72.46.18/free-1/scripts/reports/display/nph-summarys.cgi?tag=dasch2) confirm Dasch Rovers has a total fan/visitor base of 7151 (as at 5 Nov 2000). Making the natural and reasonable assumption that these visitors are all females, and doing the simple statistical calculations required, we get the result of X(264, 20) where X = number of female members of homo sapiens, with a mean of 264 and a standard deviation of 20 at the 99% significance level of confidence.

For those biology and statistics-impaired sotongs and other blur sea creatures, I'll kindly translate into elementary English: Each of you will potentially have about 265 adoring gals (or, to be more exact, 264.85185 adoring gals) queuing up outside your house pestering you for a date. So you guys can look forward to being very busy indeed, but don't neglect our Sunday games 'kay? (There, I knew that stats module I took would prove useful someday. And by the way, the stats textbooks I mugged through contain some interesting and cheem quotes too, like, "If you torture the data long enough, they'll admit to anything." I simply love cheem quotes.)

Season 3's (oooh-ahhh) Happenings
As I missed most games (due to other, more pressing life-and-death matters), I can only accurately comment on the few matches I was unlucky and stupid enough to turn up for. The majority of the report below I conjured up magically and creatively, in the mould of SM Lee Kuan Yew's habit of giving brilliant off-the-cuff speeches. Yah, that means a large chunk of this editorial consists of rational, intelligent and far-sighted analysis regarding Dasch Democratic Party's future political prospects. Sorry about that.

(But at least you will be spared a long sappy piece about how much I support the PAP government and admire their Singapore 21 vision where "Every Singaporean Matters". Especially with regard to the recent policy of 6 years of compulsary education for every child, except disabled kids who happen to be among the most vulnerable, defenceless members in society. Such wisdom. What else can I say??? Incredibly compassionate, loving and caring - that aptly describes some of our elite, Ivy-League-trained, high-flying top government brains.)

Match record (and our just plain lucky scorers)
vs Unknown FC: lost 3-0
vs Evertech: draw 1-1 (Daniel)
vs The Club: lost 3-2 (Minheng, Daniel)
vs City Corp: draw 2-2 (Rui Bin, Cheng Cai)
vs Bridge.com: won 3-1 (Minheng 2, Eng Kiat)
vs Islandwide FC: won 4-2 (Minheng 2, Daniel 2)

(By the way, can the Editor please correct the headline and credits for some of the match reports? Being the responsible type, I don't wish for innocent babes like Chek Keng to get into legal trouble for things I wrote! So, do check again.. some of the reports are wrongly attributed.)

Wins: 2
Draws: 2
Losses: 2

Goals For: 12
Goals Against: 12

Slow Start, Fiery Finish = Mid-table League Form
Dasch's match record thus far shows us suffering from a poor beginning with 2 bad losses, before gradually improving to a strong run of 2 credible draws and ending well with 2 big-time victories. Our fair-minded, balanced approach to the game is even more vividly illustrated by the identical goals scored and conceded record. This is because our manager-player Eng Kiat, as everyone knows, is an absolutely impartial fellow. Each and every Dasch squad member get a chance to play, regardless of whether the chap is handsome or not.

All in all, Dasch has settled down to a boring mid-table position, a la Spurs, Sunderland and Everton. No longer are we the smugly arrogant, all-conquering, ever-triumphant team of last season when we sensationally thrashed every opponent in our path, a la Manchester Utd, Lazio and France. Dasch should continue to do fine as long as we maintain at least this current middling standard. Let's try not to sink into the murky depths and pathetic level of teams a la Bradford, Tampines Rovers or, worst of all, England.

Player Caps

6: Kenneth, Chek Keng, Raymond, Minheng, Cheng Cai
5: Eng Kiat, Rui Bin, Jiamin, Lester, Zixin, Daniel
4: Desmond
3: Alvan
2: Tianrui, Yiying, Stanley, Zhiyong
1: Junming

It's indeed a happy day when I can say most of our players are squad regulars who shows lots of loyalty, commitment and willingness to spend beautiful Sunday mornings running around at some god-forsaken, muddy, potholed-scarred wasteland. Today is such a day. The bulk of our men made either 5 or 6 appearances in the total of 6 games played, and usual suspects like captain Kenneth, mascot honey-bunny Chek Keng, Raymond, Eng "Boss" Kiat, Lester, Desmond and (the much-maligned) Zixin were consistently present. Cheers to these intrepid mud-lovers! It was especially heartening to note vice-captain Jiamin (the one who dribbles like Rivaldo, but is more good-looking) finally got some time off from his other activities (which include playing for Barcelona FC) and managed to contribute his considerable soccer vision and skills in 5 (count 'em, 5!) humble Dasch games.

Those less regular attendees, I guess, were either over-involved with their netball teams or busy entertaining sweet young things. Or they were overseas, in hospital ERs, rock-climbing, dragon-boating, sky-diving, recovering from various serious illnesses and what not. Don't worry about your no-shows - the top management agrees these are all perfectly acceptable excuses. Moreover, I believe that "Psycho" Siao, "Mr Popular" Y3 (as in, "He's popular?? Why? Why? Why?"), and Stan-"Better than Collymore the Man"-ley were wholeheartedly rooting for us from afar, even during their unintended absence. ("Dasch Rovers? Who're they??! I nothing to do with them! Hey, I dun even know them!!")

Last but not least, many thanks to the fans for their support, especially for turning up for that Bridge-sponsored circus show. It's nice to know we *actually* have folks coming down to watch our matches, even though they tend to spend most of the time admiring cloud formations in the sky, or analysing grass growth-patterns on the ground, or gazing deeply into each others' eyes (in the cases of the boyfriend-girlfriend combo), instead of paying attention to our exciting, sweaty huffing-and-puffing on the field.

Top Guns:

Minheng 5
Daniel 4
Cheng Cai, Rui Bin, Eng Kiat 1 each

Minheng finally fulfilled his undoubted goal-scoring potential this season, as he plundered a double in each of our last 2 games, ending up as our top marksman with a total of five goals. His sparkling form, (yet another) change of hairstyle and improved composure (and poses) in front of goal was a large boost to our normally myopic, misfiring frontline.

Daniel also rediscovered his much-doubted goal-scoring form, with an excellent 4 strikes to his name. But calm down, folks. His comical, crowd-pleasing goal-missing ability is still intact, and dazzlingly shines through every now and then. ("Dan runs through with only the 'keeper to beat! He can't miss! The goalie is off-balance and 10 meters out of position from his goal!! He surely can't miss!! It's an wide open goal!!......... ARGGGGHHHH!!! HE MISSED!!!!")

Cheng "Rumoured FHM Poster Boy" Cai notched only once, but he played a pivotal role in our 3-1 win over the famous (financial powerhouse) Bridge.com, which was our biggest game of the season - complete with a capacity crowd, a multi-national, well-paid, professional opposition and a FAS-qualified referee (who regularly made dubious decisions against us). Ah-Cai contributed indirectly to 2 of our goals in this showcase for our footballing talents and stirring demonstration of our unique Dasch "don't act stupid!" espirit de corps.

Special mention goes to Eng Kiat for his superb headed goal against Bridge, the first by a Dasch defender in 3 seasons. Let it not be said our manager never lead by example. (Technically speaking, our defenders had scored before, but, er, well, own goals don't exactly count lah.) Rui Bin also had a great season, with his commanding displays between the posts and in his outfield forays as a midfielder (whenever Zhiyong was available to stand in as goalie). Ah-Bin's great performance, smart running and neat lobbed goal against CityCorp means our strikers had better start worrying about their job security.

We were also very privileged to have Daniel pen a match report for us (for the game vs Islandwide), though his fishy tale (read the Forum for more details about the fish part) tends to stray into the domain of fantastic fantasy and outright fiction. But then, who am I to doubt the words and wisdom of our dear Daniel "Ding Ding"? Safety first: I don't want to be lynched by his devoted fans. After all, he's our Singapore superstar, something like Hong Kong's celebrity idol-actor-singer Daniel "Dong Dong". Almost. Just that, compared to their Dong Dong, our Ding Ding is shorter, less handsome, less pretty, less popular, more rotund, has a higher body-fat ratio, can't sing, can't play football and can't act cool (though acting stupid is no problem for him). Other than these trivial differences, Daniel (Ding Ding, I mean) clearly stands out at a higher supernatural level among the rest of us mere Daschie mortals.

Days Of Being Wild
As the long November and December vacation seductively beckons, it's time to go wild, burn our books, give our overworked grey matter a rest and start working out those sexy legs (insert a high-resolution colour photo of Yiying's legs here). I also hope you guys will go easy on the hamburgers, ice-cream and pizzas. The freezing cold, driving rain and lashing wind of the stormy monsoon season deter us not, but sloth and junk food ruin us will. (For a history lesson, refer to our match report for 1st game of Season 3).

So when are we playing our next game? Where (ie. at which nuclear-bomb testing ground) are we playing? Against which victims? Will our die-not-so-hard fans show up? Will Goddess Isadora ever show up? When will chick-magnet Zhang Han appear again? How is Daniel's mental development progressing? Will Southamption win the EPL? Will the Singapore Kittens successfully defend the Tiger Cup? Will I pass my exams? Good questions. Here, I'll hand over the mic over to our top management - Dasch Rovers bigwigs Kenneth and Eng Kiat - to answer you. (Small fry like me are denied access to classified information.)

Okie, all the best and see you folks soon! (Try not to break your leg in the meantime.)

coolz, cute and charming as always,
Co-editor
DaschWeb

Urge to say something? Shout (Don't bother talking) at the co-editor, Alvan at our forum page.