October Blues From the (messy) editorial desk...

A slow news month. Time inches by. And the days really drag... Nothing much's happening in our off-season break, soccer-wise that is. But plenty happening at school for us role-model students right? (It seems I'm the lone role-model slacker among the busy beavers.. or should that be bears?) This should be the busy, kan cheong, frantic pre-exam period for everybody, but you can't tell cos we are all acting real cool about it. In fact, some of the guys are showing signs of frostbite... from acting too cool.

I was thinking of enlivening things up with some hot gossip and rumours about the R(A) love affairs/scandals of our star players (actually, mainly about who get dumped/jilted/rejected/ignored).. but what the hell, this is a respectable, mainstream national website... to maintain our family-values wholesome image, we have to focus on more serious news, and tone down the sleaziness.. caused by our lust-crazed captain and players going bananas over that babes website. More amazing, they've ..wow.. started bear fights over who get which girls.. as though those gals will give them a second look (or even a first look). Yeah right. Beary possible huh? (Anyway, I sure hope no girls ever go to our Forum... else our reputation go down the drain.)

By the way, I turned down the editor's offer of publishing a nude photo of him. I said none of us would be in the tiniest bit interested, least of all our female fans (if any)... haha. Ok lah, just kidding. The editor is getting tired of all the hilarious jokes at his expense, "why me?" he whines.. so I'll try to target some other victim in future ok. And I've divided this month's editorial into more digestible sections as follows.

DaschNews

Transfer news

Nothing much here. Nobody wants to join our team and everyone wants to leave for a better club. In other words, the situation remains as it has always been.

Dasch Babes (of the Dasch Fan Club)

I'm beginning to think the above is all a figment of our over-active imagination. There's a very high possibility they don't exist. Like ghosts and aliens, we've heard about them but never actually seen them. And girlfriends (though I admit they're very sweet and cute) don't count as they only have eyes for their man and not us. (Please report any Dasch Babe sightings to our 24-hour DaschNews hotline.)

Player Happenings

DaschWeb aims to keep you informed of any injuries, pay rises, change of captaincy (please may it happen soon), contract disputes, promotions to first XI, demotions to reserves, player availability etc with regard to our team. Currently, the only news I know for sure about our players is: I'm still alive and breathing. So are Minheng and Siyi who I met in school recently. The status of the rest of the losers are hopefully the same. (Pls keep the Manager or Captain informed of any major personal event, like if you're planning to break your leg just before the start of the new season.)

Training Update (My unending quest...)

Trying to get another ally for training proposal: Has Rui Bin ever consider that if we have training & mini 5 or 7 a-side training matches, he WON'T have to play keeper all the time? He can play in an outfield position! Wow! Of cos it won't be the real thing, being less competitive than an actual match. But everybody thinks Mr Safe Hands is the best man for the goalkeeping job.. so he has to play inside the box whenever we face off against the enemy.. just too bad. (Maybe our 2nd choice goalie will volunteer to stand in for Rui Bin... maybe bears can fly... maybe the sun will rise from the west.. maybe it will snow in Singapore.. maybe Kenneth will rise to the rank of general...)

And there's actually a idiot-proof way to ensure high attendance for training sessions (ie. if we ever get them off the ground). Just get a girl who loves soccer to join in our training, and everyone will show up - guaranteed. The problem is, it looks like only American gals enjoy playing soccer (they did win the World Cup what). Another problem is, the ugliness of our players would surely turn off the few local gals who would otherwise be interested. (Sighhh... it's all your fault, guys.) So the chances of us ever having training is less than zero.

Eating Football Boots

There seems to be a political conspiracy against a prominent, much-respected member of Dasch Rovers by various evil, malicious, unknown persons (or maybe bears). DaschWeb shall maintain a dignified silence on this issue so as not to encourage such stupid suggestions like the one above.

Forum Frenzy

Apparently, the bear mania is still going strong. More new bears have appeared suddenly, such as Don Juan de Bearco (wow.. cool or what? & mm.. Don Juan?? Is it our poster boy himself?), Sadistic Bear, Ha Ha Bear, Oh No Bear, Captain Bear, d'Bear (hi, Desmond!), Little Lost Bear and Lao Lan Bear.

These new bears are the ones to keep your girlfriends away from: Real/Really/Original Horny Bears (maybe they're brothers), Lusty Loins Bear, Heeren Bear and Wet Bear (and even Don Juan Bear). Their names and ravings say it all. As usual, I'm ..ahem.. the voice of reason and rationality amid all the bear lust. Trust me, girls love a cool calm composed guy (like me).Of course, it helps to be good-looking too (again, like me).

This also means my acclaimed feature on the bears is now outdated. Somebody out there please write another update to expose the identities of these new bears, and warn innocent girls off the dangerous ones.

Bears... Hey, this reminds me of a fable (to illustrate the difficulty of disarmament in political science, & I'm writing the following story off the cuff ok). Once upon a time, in the forest, all the animals held a meeting to abolish weapons and prevent injuries. The elephant wanted to ban beaks and talons. The eagle wanted to ban fangs and jaws. The lion wanted to ban tusks and trunks. And so on and so forth. Finally, the bear spoke up, "Why not just ban all weapons? Whenever there's a quarrel, let's all behave in a civilised manner and settle things with a hug." (No, this's not a mushy story, think again...)

Excuses, excuses..

A benefit of writing an editorial is that here, one can give lots of excuses for his lousy performance on the field. Chek Keng, our resident Cynic-cum-analyst (writing from his crummy cubicle below the luxurious editorial office) asked why the co-editor's footballing skills has deteriorated from the days when he was "one of the most skilful players around". A good question... though the 'skilful' part cracks me up... skilful???.. hahahaheheh.. what a riot! I really appreciate jokes like these... let's see..

In those days (always as a midfielder) at my brilliant best, I tend to charge forward with the ball past one or two (or three, if I'm really lucky) opponents, before being inevitably dispossessed. For the rest of the game, I was The Invisible Man. There were lots of complaints about my lack of passing, my reluctance to tackle and my selfish, lazy, brainless, directionless play from everyone (hey, they just jealous of my head-turning looks lah). But.. back to the burning question.. the reasons behind the decline of a legend..

Let's start from our secondary school days... I played regularly, appeared in most matches and alas, also tasted endless defeats. Just an average squad member, but at least in first team (heck, everyone was in the first team in those days.) There were no real stars then, but a few players already stood out from the rest in terms of sheer skill .. & they're still our most technically gifted players today. Blind-fold them and tie their legs and they can still dance past 3 defenders, no sweat. But back to the tale..

After secondary school, it was off to J.C... In JC One came the desperately unlucky moment: I twisted my knee while playing in a soccer match at school, and was out injured for the rest of the year. JC Two - medically cleared for PE again, though still feeling pain in the wrecked knee. One of my moments of glory came during PE lessons then.. when I ran with extreme caution to avoid straining that stupid knee... in fact, so slow that girls easily overtook me on the jogging track. (Needless to say, those gals were very impressed.) During this period, my only involvement with soccer was watching it on TV. Couldn't risk ending my budding soccer career by killing my knee right? Then it was..

Off to National Slavery (also known to some ignorant people as National Service)...

Me - spent 2.5 years of sitting in an office, deliberating on national security matters, planning military tactics and strategies, deciding on the fate of millions etc etc. What a boring life man.. In contrast, the rest of our heros were busy hunking up... jogging from Changi to Tuas daily, doing one-handed push-ups and pull-ups, digging holes in the ground, bullying green recruits, sticking grass on your heads, swimming through mud (mm.. no wonder certain people have now developed an attraction to muddy fields), trying to out-macho each other ("My rifle is bigger than your rifle...") etc etc. What a siong life for you huh... I feel tired just thinking about it.

Where was I? Oh yah.. back to my exciting life saga.. so again, I had no opportunities to play football. And Kenneth (or a guy who sounds like him, I can't be sure) gave up calling me to Dasch games cos he said it was too difficult to talk to me over the phone. Our captain gives even better excuses than me (the real reason is, he hates me). Well.. so, during these 5 years, I think I came into contact with a football less than 10 times. How can anyone maintain match fitness and form with so little practice?? (You must agree I deserve an 'A+' for my excuses so far.)

And ok, if I dream up of any more good excuses... I mean, reasons.. you'll be the first to know. Maybe I can say I lost interest in soccer and became interested in netball instead. Hey, this's not an entirely implausible excuse... consider, why would any sane male want to hang around with a gang of stupid ugly goons rather than with a bunch of pretty flowers? Yah hor.. thinking about it now, I'm seriously considering a netball career...mmm...

And if anyone is interested in giving excuses on why he played so poorly in a particular match, or why he scored an comical own goal, or why he missed a sissy penalty, or why he missed a sure-can't-miss goal from 5 cm out, or why he couldn't complete one decent pass or make one successful tackle in an entire match, or why he take bribes from the opponents etc... this is where you can write in to tell your sob story. No excuse is too far-fetched or lame or stupid. I'm very trusting. (Insulting other players is also welcomed - we at Dasch can't live without constantly picking fights and quarrels and back-stabbing one another. As you can see, our strong team spirit is to be admired.)

A call to arms....

There's a glaring lack of volunteers to lay down their lives for Dasch and to write match reports, articles, commentaries, tell-all biographies, gossip columns and such. I admit the pay's miserable (in fact the stupid editor hasn't paid me for the last couple of months), the working conditions deplorable (and mentally stressful cos of the many death threats and headless chickens dumped at our door) and our ungrateful readers always laugh at the articles published (and it is NOT because the articles are funny). How come I'm always the one to come under enemy fire and get laughed at... er wait, I mean, how come I'm always the one to get all the glory and adoring babes throwing themselves at me? See, the life of a reporter/writer is so damn shiok.

So come on men, do your part and contribute. This's our team website, we need to keep it kicking with inputs from all. Write something, anything, everything, whatever. I sure hope someone offers to do the next match report.. why not? Incentive is you can exaggerate your contribution to the game, like what I do every time.. there won't be censorship (unless you start slugging off the editor-dictator). Everyone's sick of the editors' biased, overhyped and factually inaccurate reports already.. especially me, really jaded of seeing my own words in print as well as the editor's world-class dumb stuff in the newsletter... like Lester's child being our 10000? 100000? visitor.. is Kenneth a government spokesman for a Get Married, Build A Family, Have Children campaign or what? I thought he is with the SAF? When did he get transferred to the MCD??

Note I've been harping on this in ALL my editorials so far, and the response is almost nil. Almost.

"The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it." - George Bernard Shaw

On this note, I'll like to give my heartfelt thanks to Mr. Cynic for his insightful and entertaining article on each Dasch player's (non)performance in our season review last month. Anything which makes me laugh must be good. (David Copperfield? 5 min wonder? Scissors leg? hahaha.. what cheek..) To show my appreciation, Chek, I'll request the editor to move your desk away from the toilet and nearer the window. More fresh air there. And I'll put your name down for the Dasch Medal of Valour. Let's hope to see more literary masterpieces from Chek Keng's cynical pen, the sharp end of it.

Also, credit to the editor for his season round-up, crammed full of mostly useless stats and info nobody cares about (like the top scorers list), and lacking info everyone wishes to know (like the number of times per match Dasch passes the ball directly to the opponents). But it was a good effort on the whole, and any full length feature from him is always eagerly looked forward to, cos it's so damn rare. This guy dares to call himself editor somemore.. look, who ends up writing the stupid editorial every time?

So when our new soccer season kicks off (hopefully) next month after exams, please please please offer to do the match reports, analysis and commentaries. You can also write about your engineering, business, nursing, accountancy, medical, real estate etc. stuff too... you think your parents send you guys to university to chase girls only huh? It's also to learn how to write technical, full-of-jargon reports which look impressive but which actually say nothing and which no-one can understand. You'll need such skills in your working life next time, so start practicing now.

*Exclusive*

Here, a sneak preview of my upcoming best-seller, "A Brief History of Dasch Rovers: Don't Act Stupid!"... 2 excerpts from this eagerly awaited thriller...

Excerpt 1: "In those days, our skills and tactics were not all that polished.. & our playing style consisted of the kick-and-run-and-hope-for-the-best type, there was no organisation to speak of (ie. everyone attacked but no one bothered to defend), and we were leading contenders for the title of the most hopeless, haphazard, formation-less team ever to have existed. In short, a text-book example of everything a football team should not be. And also, we were beaten in about every match we played. Or more precisely, we were thrashed, smashed, demolished, whitewashed, steamrollered, crushed, hammered, shattered, slaughtered, blown into pieces, destroyed etc. (Any more contribution of words/adjectives to describe our defeats are welcomed.)"

Excerpt 2: "Right, I mustn't forget to mention our very first set of kit - actually just a soccer jersey, which was a bright yellow one, with the player's number and name at the back. As expected, our management's fashion sense & choice of design was simply wonderful. I'm sure the old-timers among us recall that piece of jersey artwork... mainly chirpy yellow with black sleeves and specks of stylish black on the upper half. Ingenious. In fact, no words can describe how artistic and cool it was.. definitely one of the classiest around then (though our captain, in one of his more sober & reflective moments years later, wrote of it as "that chickensh*t jersey". Funny.. why he say that??) We were so damn proud of it... at last Dasch had upgraded from a kampong team to a real professional team, with a 'pro' jersey even." (Shhh.. Hey! Don't laugh and give the game away!)

But note this history is very much incomplete and rather incoherent, and likely to remain so, cos of lack of info and failing memory on my part due to old age. (The history at our old website done by the editor contains very little stuff... and hey, I remember also got a baby picture of him there!! Wah lau.. he looks dorky even as an infant.) Just some questions which I hope you guys can help answer - just write in Forum or mail me directly... so I can hopefully finish this project, say, in 2 or 3 years' time (note this is a very optimistic time frame.. it will probably take much longer).

1. Any particular matches you recall - the score, how we play, memorable incidents etc.

2. Why Yiying is always the goat? I remember we assign him no.13 for our first set of jersey (his lucky number?) and blame him for everything then and now too. (Since then, Chek seems to have fallen in love with Yiying, or ... at least mellowed in his attitude towards Y3.)

3. Long-lost players? Siwei is one... others? Is Kevin considered long-lost? Or just lost in his private world with his babe(s)?

4. Our opponents then... some Malay teams + others? Who??

5. Our playing style & individual player's. Homegrounds, descriptions of.

6. Dasch in the post-secondary era... the JC & NS period... happenings? (I was out of the loop during this time.)

7. When did the lousy captain become captain? Vice-captain become vice-cap? Manager become manager?

8. Year of founding? Should be 1992, but I lean towards 1990. The guys in the classes of 1D to 2D were among the founding members. Your views?

9. Unofficial mottos then.. an obvious one is that legendary "It's all your fault!!" Others?

10. Anything else... (but I don't want to get any nasty stuff about me ok. I have sensitive skin.)

Concluding thoughts...

I wish to clarify that my writing style in the editorials is NOT, as the editor stupidly thinks, influenced by The New Paper (please lahhh!!) Rather, I'm very much inspired by comics, as in Peanuts, the Far Side and C&H. (The best comic strips such as these are more intelligent, witty, better-scripted and interesting than most films or books today which go for cheap, shallow thrills. And sadly, comics like these also often underrated or seen as childish, but this's another story. 'Garfield' is also a disgrace to all true blue comics fans, though if you want to know why.... this is yet another story for maybe next time.) I seldom read The New Paper or any entertainment magazines anyway, so however lousy and unfunny my writings and rantings are, please don't lump me together with such *cough* high-class stuff. I'm not worthy.

Also, in that season round-up article by the editor, he confessed less than 10 readers regularly visit this site. I've been tricked! He said Dasch has hundreds of (female) fans and readers and supporters... BEFORE I signed on. All lies!! So where the hell are my devoted fans?? Nobody recognises me on the streets even! And so few people even bother to read our articles (his articles few people read I can understand cos he writes so stupid, but mine??) Man.. I'm going to cry.. where's our Teddy Bear to comfort me and claw up that contract? My hopes of fame and glory were just illusions (that fuzz brain editor!!! I request the manager to kick him.)

But I wish to reassure all readers that overall, the editor and I have a fairly good working relationship - we have a great deal of respect for each other's stupidity.

And to you dumb Dasch players, our secret supporters, faithful fans, gentle readers... on behalf of the editorial board, I would like to say, as a an informal motto of ours: "We love you, don't hate us." (Ok, so I stole this line from a Saints website.)

Concluding thoughts Part 2

In the recent Saints special feature, I forgot to mention this: If any of you guys are going to Britain for holidays, studies, business.. and if you're going to the city of Southampton.. please stop by the Dell stadium, and from the fan shop, buy that "Simply Unbelievable" video for me (Is it that great? Well.. Le Tissier scores the type of goals which even opposition fans applaud, though he scores AGAINST their teams). And also a Saints jersey with '7' and 'Le Tissier' printed at the back. I'll be forever grateful. Thanks... an appeal from Saints Bear.

Really really concluding thoughts this time...

By the way, anyone who knows a good quote about 'sarcasm' please tell me ok? And well, the astute reader will have noticed I didn't keep my word about making fun of the editor less... but he's such a big stupid sitting target! What can I do??

OK, so.. good luck for the exams boys! Act smart! Get those straight As! Impress them "gers"! (as our ger-loving captain would say). Let's show the world that although we often lose on the field, it's always victories for us off it - in studies, affairs of the heart, careers, popularity etc. And keep your sense of (warped) humour intact ok... Best wishes in your exams!

In those stressful moments.. stay cool... ..just stick a thumb in your mouth and hold a blanket,

Co-editor, DaschWeb

The editor says....Here to straighten things out: 1) The nude picture of me part is a wild imagination of my dear co-editor. 2) I think he is hinting to me to include his nudey pics. 3) We still want him to eat his boots. 4) Why don't u make fun of Daniel? He is complaining about the lack of comments about him in school.

Contributions to our history books at the forum page.