Introductory words (of wisdom)...

This is the first of a new monthly editorial section on the happenings & trivia & commentary/analysis on... the one & only Dasch Rovers (but of cos). Supposed to be monthly but due to lack of things to say or laziness, it may be less frequent than that ok. The following are some things nobody needs to know but hey, we need to pad up the empty space a bit what..

Initially, I wanted to name this month's editorial "The Dasch Rovers Coeditor/Ace Reporter/Match Analyst/Star Reserve Player/Resident Hunk Speaks..." Girls always flip for long job titles. Unfortunately such a lengthy title can't quite fit in above, so I opt for a shorter & more modest one. As everyone knows, I've always been a very humble guy.

Also, I hope you have read the definitive, historically accurate account I wrote in the Forum... of how I became the irregular columnist/reluctant co-editor of this Z-rated website. For the benefit of those who haven't, the message is reproduced way below (Exhibit A). After viewing Exhibit A, you may wonder about that private letter the Editor wrote me... it's indeed a very entertaining one... lots of funny sickly-sweet mashy-mushy stuff in it. I wanted to show the letter here as Exhibit B. But then to give him face, I heroically resist the temptation to make him a laughing-stock. On the upside for Mr Sentimental.. girls simply love such decent, square & soppy guys like him.. yah, though it grosses the rest of us out. (Hey.. and I can use that letter to blackmail him in future..)

And really... honestly.. this is meant to be a deadly serious column... I write all my articles with a dead serious poker face. So it's somewhat puzzling that some people say they find my commentaries very humourous.. as though I'm a comedian writing jokes. Huh?? What am I doing wrong??? See here, I pride myself on being prim, proper & professional in my writings okie. And every word I write is backed up by hard facts, solid evidence & reliable references. My fellow intellectuals, Lester, Desmond and Daniel(??) can testify to the professionalism of my editorial and reporting work. Maybe it's cos some of you have a weird sense of humour (siao... like that also think funny.) Be serious, troops. Wipe off those stupid grins.

Ok, let's move on to the real news...

Dasch Rovers News/Analysis

Since we started keeping records & match reports 5 games ago, the stats have been compiled as follows:

(Don't laugh, guys! Show some respect for our superstar ok.. we only have one star, if we lose him.. how??)

*Note: Editor Kenneth assures me he'll come up with a results table & a proper scoring chart soon. Also a appearances (no. of caps) chart. Watch out for it... (Thanks to him for doing the necessary research for my analysis here.)

Any ideas what other stats to include?? Man of the match? Flop of the match? Most stupid pass of the match? As you can see, with 3 losses, 1 draw and 1 win from 5 games, we're not exactly a world-conquering team (oh yeah, opposition teams quake in their boots at the mention of our mighty name).. but then, as an amateur side which is just playing for fun, without training, on an ad hoc basis and with a lousy captain somemore, it's still not too bad.. Also, having a reserve player/co-editor who can only write rubbish and can't perform on the field doesn't help matters either.

Our defence sure needs tightening up with 20 goals conceded in 5 matches, though 8 of these came in that disastrous 8-1 defeat. At the other end, Cheng Cai had a credible 2 goals in 4 games, but our midfielders contributed the bulk of our strikes, 6 out of 10 goals scored, not surprising in view of our often AWOL frontline. (Anyone misses Yiying already?)

Anyway, Dasch can look forward to better times ahead, if we continue to improve and carry on the never-say-die team spirit, as well as the proud tradition of acting stupid when things go wrong on the field. Let's conduct a post-match analysis of our last three matches..

Vs Prima The Prima match was a dismal one in terms of scoreline... but it also showed our potential as a team . Our skills are quite respectable, and we can indeed play (a fact most of you should know already). We share a good understanding & teamwork (& insults), thanks to a core group who have been playing together for years. And a further strong point is our relentless, take-no-prisoners tackling style... I see it as a Dasch trademark. Problem is we tend to concede very late goals as we tire in the closing stages and our defence get over-extended, hence our very embarrassing goals-against record. (Excuses, excuses.) One possible solution, if we're leading in the last part of the match (leading, us???) would be to pull back everyone to defence and protect our goal like hell. Yah, a negative approach & very unlike us sexy-style players, but at least we can have a chance to win. Of cos, other possibility would be to continue to attack & maybe get a bigger victory (5-0 to Dasch, anyone?). Lastly we face the remote odds of going down to a 95th minute injury-time goal... but this will never ever happen right? Yeah right.

Another aspect is to improve on our finishing and composure in & around the opponent's penalty box. Stay cool, don't panic while 3 lumbering hulks are bearing down on you... just strike a cool pose with the ball at your feet, casually flip your hair out of your eyes (Beckham-style), then feint to one side and go the other, wrong-footing all 3 bozos, then deliver the killer pass to the waiting striker to score. Ok, let's wake up now... seriously, we should try to make the most of the chances that come our way... taking into account the situation then, everyone should shoot on sight whenever possible and wherever feasible, long-range or close-in. Don't shy off shooting for goal if the chance is there.

Vs some mysterious team This Westlake game which we won 3-0, I was absent so can't comment... But I read the editor's match report of all the drama and the heroics like Siao "Psycho" Tianrui's wild...er.. wildly successful tackles, Mingheng's brilliant solo run past 4(!!!!) opponents, our two midfield diamonds - Desmond & Raymond's world-class strikes, Stanley Maldini's excellent organisation of the backline & lastly our Captain Marvel, Kenneth's incredibly lucky fluke goal. It was our only win in 5 games and I missed it!! Rats!

Vs Falcons This match I won't comment much on... kind of surreal, I keep having visions of mud, mud and more flying mud. Somehow I just feel conked out thinking of any words to say about this game.. despite it being our most recent match... impressions of it are blur & fuzzy. Just feeling tired ok... & I think I'm cracking up or my mind is having an off-day. I'm not even doing this match report. Can someone do the analysis if you want to? Oh yah, one more thing.. that Westlake pitch must be the worst in Singapore. While other people are smart enough to play soccer on the basketball hardcourts, we macho hunks MUST go swim in the beautiful brown mud. Simply brilliant. No wonder we're graduates of the world-famous RI (Retards' Institution)..

Last minute addition: This match report by Kenneth says something about "an unknown girl" among our fans. Unknown girl?? Hey, that's not a very nice way to describe Mingheng's cute girlfriend... I sincerely apologise on Kenneth's behalf for his stupid remark, and if Mingheng tells us the dear girl's name, we can credit her properly.

Other news

A suggestion is to get our ace photographer Ivan to take some nice close-up action shots of the Dasch guys... something like in those glossy soccer magazines.. where they got those big posters of soccer superstars (the real ones, I mean) captured in cool running, juggling, shooting whatever poses. I would think we have the looks (barely, but it's enough) & modelling skills to pull it off. Just imagine photos of Psycho in a full-blooded tackle, or Rui Bin in a full stretch diving save, or Jiamin dribbling past 4 stupid-looking opponents or, best of all, a photo of Superstar missing yet another penalty. Current action shots on the site are ridiculous, it looked like the photos were taken miles away from the field...& can't see faces or anything, just the stunningly scenic views of the guys' backs and backsides..

Then we can do a ego-boosting, flattering write-up/profile of each Dasch player (eg. "...our influential player, Minheng, who strikes terror into the hearts of our opponents with his tricky dribbling, pinpoint 45-yard crosses and deadly accurate shots which often hit the crossbar and bounced out" and "our 2nd choice keeper Chek Keng who pulls off great saves one moment & lets in a sissy goal the next" etc etc.) This will be much better than the boring players' section we have now.

However, I think no one can dispute the artistic talent & creative flair of our editor in his design of Daschweb... the new animated banner for example was a nice touch, & I dare say our soccer team site ranks as one of the best around.. all the credit must go to Kenneth of cos. (Ignore his "No lah, it's nothing lah, I not very artistic lah, just for fun lah..." etc etc. Actually he enjoys our praises very very much. Just look at his head swell.) Just some questions: how he find the time to do all these? And why he don't study multimedia/computing, instead of being an enginehead? Is he stupid or what?

Now, how come I never see the captain wearing an armband? How else can our fans know who to throw eggs at when the team cork up during a match? Anyone here who can get one of his mother/sister/girlfriend's unwanted hair-band (preferably bright pink colour) to give to our captain to use as armband? ... in recognition of all his hard work & dedication to the noble cause of keeping Dasch Rovers forever stupid.

Lastly, glad to know Daniel agrees with the need for training, & even happier that he prefers it to be held at Tampines (no lah, not cos I lived nearby or something... I live in Jurong.) We rarely hear such intelligent thoughts from him, so it's a refreshing change from his usual crap (yes, entertaining crap but still crap). Let's hope his mental health continues to improve...

General Football Comments

It seems there're quite a few Liverpool fans among us. 0-1 vs Watford at home (3 weeks ago) really shocked me. I mean, it's like.... say, Dasch Rovers beating an S-League team.. the only difference being it's impossible for us to do that. The phrase "upset win" is alien to Dasch that's why. Instead we're more used to words like "Completely crushed into dust", "Absolutely disgraceful performance" and "Beaten 10-0" to describe ourselves.. (To potential opponents: You may think I'm writing this to make you think we're such hopeless players, but hey it's true. Really.. come play us & enjoy an easy win... no sweat one...come thrash us leh.) (To Dasch people: I hope you appreciate my scheme to lull our opponents into complacency, or maybe this only prompts defeatism among our own people instead.)

Time to insult your fave clubs & offend everyone..

Man United: Anti Goal is a player who impresses me not at all. He only scores against relegation candidates with suicidal defences (something like ours). And that Alex fellow never stop moaning about how referees always don't give his team penalties or fail to send off the opponents. What else? Nothing. Moan U got trillions of loyal fanatic fans waiting to kill me if I say somemore..

Arsenal: Another big club with big money, big ambitions, big players (Vieira, Petit, Kanu etc.) So can they win anything? Possible lah.. if they buy Le Tissier soon.

Chelsea: Yet another title hopeful. Foreign coach, foreign players, foreign ballboys and foreign everything. Is this Chelsea FC or the United Nations? I bet a diplomat can get a job here..

Southampton: The 'IN' club with the best players, best stadium, best manager & tactics, best atmosphere, best supporters. Can they win anything? Why not??? Hope springs eternal in the human heart.... or whatever that dumb saying is..

Sheffield Wednesday: HAHAHA...

Newcastle United: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...

And hey who're the jokers voting for Watford & Bradford in our previous stupid poll no. 3?? I vote for Southampton cos I'm a true-blue Saints fan. Why the hell, you ask? Simple..it's like... say, the fact is your girlfriend will probably never be Miss Singapore, but in your eyes, she's still the most beautiful girl right? (Well... of course, one minor reason you tell her so is because you value your life.. ) The principle is the same here, that's why I voted Saints. This is called integrity & faithfulness.... or maybe stupidness..

Perhaps some of you are puzzled why my soccer hero is Matthew Le Tissier.. it's a damn shame people always underrate & criticise him... they can't see he's one of the most talented footballers of our generation. Ok, anyone recalls the Premier League 1992/93 and 1994/95 Goals of the Season, both by Le Tiss? They're among the best you'll ever see in your life - incredibly creative, damn cheeky & ultra-cool. And he has a great collection of other simply unbelievable goals too. Even that superb chipped goal against Man U in Saints' 6-3 upset win (I love that game!) a few seasons ago don't count among his top ten best strikes. Maybe someday I'll write a tribute article to Le God & convert you all to the Tissierian religion. So do vote for Le Tiss as top scorer! VOTE LE GOD!

Other players I really admire are Gary Lineker & Chris Waddle, but both retired long ago... Active players I quite like for their playing style include Robbie Fowler (though he behaves real stupid at times), Mark Hughes (now a Saint!) and Denis Bergkamp. I was about to name some Dasch players too, but I ...huh...erm... don't want to be a hypocrite..haha. (Forgive me, guys.)

Non-football Section - for wimps only

On Romance(!?) The Editor has previously given me hints that he wishes to see more commentary on boy-girl relationships. (I quote him: "write about gers...chasing gers...places to take gers to ...life with the Arts babes.. ten ways to make gers fall in love with you.." etc etc) What bloody luck! Why do we have such a sissy editor??? Why's he so girl-crazy?? Why am I such a babe magnet?? What's the meaning of life?? Such are the cheem philosophical questions no-one can give satisfactory answers to..

Well I dunno how our beloved editor gets the (mistaken) idea that I'm an expert in this field... must have got something to do with my above-average looks. Anyway.. I thought about it & decided against writing on this, cos it would be insulting you guys... Come on, every one of you are certified lady-killers, judging from your girlfriend's (or rather, girlfriends') devotion to you. So who needs advice on such stuff? Anyway, this is a macho, blood-and-guts soccer team site "Let's go break some legs!!!", not some women's magazine "How to keep the passion burning..." See the difference between the 2 sample article titles? Man.. it's really tragic that our 'macho' editor apparently prefers the latter.

But if you're really blur about b-g matters & desperately need some info... you can ask Daniel "Casanova" Ding for a demonstration on how to charm babes out of their...erm.. socks. Tongue-tied & dunno what to say to your dream girl? No problem, just ask Daniel "Honey Lips" Ding for advice on how to sweet-talk gals. Wondering how to romance that sweetie you yearn for? Never fear... Daniel "The Lover" Ding is always willing to show you the ropes: one wink and the girl falls under your spell and into your arms. (But please note: I bear no responsibility if you follow his advice and end up making a fool of yourself or getting slapped or both.)

On second thought, maybe I overrate Daniel "He-thinks-he's-Romeo" Ding. (Oi.. I seem to hear a loud chorus of approval..) A better choice would be our handsome dashing charming wing-back.. Wong "Don Juan" Suijin... I guess everyone would agree this hunky hunk's the real stuff... maybe we can make him the Dasch photography model cum poster boy. A few topless shots of Sui Jin in sexy poses would do wonders for our site's counter hit rate..

& let's hope the editor is taking note, as he always seem so damn eager to attract more fans ('fans' translate from Kenn-language to English = babes) to our website. This's a real difficult task considering the general apathy of local gals to soccer. On the other hand, if any girl somehow get involved in the management of our team, we'll probably end up wearing pink jerseys & shorts & socks, which I think would be a first in the history of soccer... an all-pink kit. (So let's thank our lucky stars we have thus far escaped such a cruel fate.)

A public service notice for our female fans (though I doubt they exist)

Dear girls, for your own safety.. beware of the guys here. Don't be deceived by their square stupid looks & act innocent expressions.. they're actually wolves, each and every one of them.. (except the cute co-editor, of course.)

Ok, not bad. I managed to write this far without feeling sick. But any more romance stuff & I'll really feel nauseous. This section is another of the stupid editor's endless lousy ideas. What next? Any better and more intelligent suggestions from the rest??

The best part - the conclusion...

And as always, everytime after I finish the brain-rotting task of producing low-class pulp fiction, I gaze heavenwards & ask: Why me????? Then out of the blue, a calm voice says: "Cos you're damn stupid." (mm... I think that voice must be referring to someone else lah..)

Also.. note that our commentaries, forum messages, newsletters, articles etc are full of the word "stupid". Now this is very undesirable.. what would others think of us?? Aren't there any other words we can use? Remember.. we should always strive to project the right public image.. so use more high-class words to describe ourselves, like: dumb, moronic, idiotic, silly, foolish, batty, siao, daft, loony, bonkers, nutty etc etc. Of cos, not forgetting that poetic phrase "incredibly low-IQ" (invented by I-dun-know-who... not me!!)

And it's a real pity you couldn't read Exhibit B, else you will realise that the Editor actually writes way way better and much much more fun than me... As I said, a REAL PITY. Hmm...I need a complete football kit, but am currently low on funds... hey hope someone gets the hint..

That's all for now. Stay tuned for next month's editorial on the continuing exciting adventures of Dasch Rovers.. to be penned by an officer & gentleman - our esteemed Editor himself (he may be stupid but he sure writes damn entertaining stuff). Also, do note that guest columnists are very much welcomed, so write in to bad-mouth the others and give your views on whatever Dasch-related stuff there is.. Till then.

Yours,

(Copyright 1999 DaschWeb. All opinions are those of the DaschWeb editorial board alone, & do not reflect the views of the Singapore Government in any way. Written by the Co-editor, with the kind assistance of the Editor. All compliments, credit & job offers should be addressed to the Co-editor. Any brickbats, lawsuits & assassination attempts should be directed to the Editor.)

Now...here are the exhibits i told u about above..

Exhibit A (as written by me in the Forum on 10 August 1999):

"Ok, I was forced back here through devious means. After I decided to end my column, the Editor wrote a long, passionate, mushy letter (with tears in his eyes) begging me to stay on. He knows I'm damn soft-hearted, (plus Lester was very encouraging too.. thanks Les!) So naturally I agreed. And what happens??! He then said I'm now the stupid co-editor!! That, guys, was a classic Machiavellian tactic - lowdown, underhand, sneaky & ruthless.... that basket editor stabbed me in the back. Now you know the sad story of how I end up with this dirty job nobody else wants.

Hence.. to avoid confusion, note Kenneth Wong Kuo Fong is the Editor, and I am the Co-editor of DaschWeb (DW)... In view of my impressive-sounding title, I assume I should have a bit of editorial power regarding the contents of DW. So I'm publicly requesting the editor to follow my very reasonable requests here:

1. In next update, substitute my name with 'Co-editor' in the entire site... it's very embarrassing to see my name in print ok! So that other people will wonder who this shadowy & mysterious co-editor guy is, instead of knowing my stupid name. As I said, I HATE the publicity.

2. Change the clown graphic at the column. Hell... I've lots of cooler photos from my Manhunt days. Better still, don't use my pix at all. I proposed the title of the column to be "The Legend Speaks...." Short & catchy. And okkk lah, I confess that clown thing is bloody bad for my image with regard to potential female fans.

3. Fair division of labour: the editor takes all the blame & I get all the credit.

Look troops, if the editor doesn't agree to the above, it shows he's not sincere about it... & I'm just a figurehead he can hide behind when you guys throw bricks at him (for making yet another dumb remark.) I may also have to reconsider. But I'm confident he will see the light & agree to the requests.

And right, DW welcomes articles, comments, ideas, suggestions, feedback from all of you too. We really need more staff reporters, writers and even editors. (I don't have time to write that regularly. So some of you can pick up the slack.. ) Feel free to contribute-there won't be any unnecessary censorship. And pls, no sissy ideas like having animated pink bunny graphics on the site. Everything else goes!

DO NOTE that the editor still carries most of the responsibility & work for maintaining DW, & I'm only here to cover his back when he (as usual) corks up & to help in writing site content (like this message), replying to your forum messages as well as attracting girls.

Co-editor, DaschWeb"

Exhibit B ===> [CENSORED]

Editor says "Yes..co-editor. Due to ur excellent piece here, i hereby unwillingly and reluctantly abide to ur dumbest conditions that only a fool will accept. Here also to clear up some points...I was late for the match, and so couldn't do much buayaing to know that unknown girl. How am i supposed to know who she was??? One more thing..the next editorial will be by U NOT me!!! Btw...do u know sex sells?? So more editorials about babes!!!

Oh well...i see what i can do about the jersey. Keep up with the stupidity!!!"

Shout at Alvan at our forum page.