On football and other trivia... (so don't waste your time reading this!)

Well, this is my second piece of commentary on the uncool adventures of Dasch Rovers... although very few people read or appreciate this, it's a welcome break from writing really dumb term essays. (I mean, does anyone actually care what I think about the future directions & prospects of ASEAN or NATO or the UN?? Who cares!?) Also, someone has been bugging me to write more nonsense, & well... you know I'm ever the obliging, helpful type ie. I say yes to practically everything legal. Man.. I can't believe I actually have fans, or maybe this fool here is the only one. Ok.. besides him, anyone else wants my autograph?

Let's see what there is to say...mm.. I deeply regret to note that the response to my first article was pretty underwhelming... only Desmond (who recognised my genius...not surprsing great minds think alike what), Kenneth (who professed his eternal love for me, but poured freezing water on my brilliant ideas) and Chek Keng (who chipped in with constructive suggestions, plus some rather stinging criticism of our team tactics, or lack of ) bothered to say anything. Yah right, Daniel also invited me to be the team mascot as he says I don't play any matches. Suddenly that guy becomes a stand-up comic. As for the rest, they seem to have been sucked into some black hole in the outer reaches of the galaxy. But still.. anyway....

On Football With regard to Dasch... well there have been no matches since school has started again, and we all are busy with life-and-death matters like lectures, books, tutorials, studies, getting rejected by girls etc... We seem to have difficulty finding opponents anyway. When I say 'opponents', I'm referring to those we can actually beat, which narrows the search to primary school or kindergarten kids' teams. This is real pai seh, and we're not going to impress anyone (much less the girls) with this fact...but hey look, I'm just being my usual honest self. Also.. tragically, the training idea I proposed has sunk without a trace (but if you look hard enough, maybe you can see some bubbles on the water surface..haha.) Rats... That's all on football with regard to Dasch.

More on our fan club.... now I think about it, it seems unfair to put all the work of finding new members on Zhang Han. True, with his good looks and magnetic charm, he sure can pull in lots of gullible gals ...but we should also do our part. So troops... pester your current & ex- girlfriends, current & ex- female classmates, long-lost girl cousins/relatives and other victims to join the club. I really look forward to the day when hordes of babes turn up to support us, all of them wearing "I LOVE ALVAN" T-shirts, screaming their lungs out, jumping up & down & just going crazy for me...er.. I mean, all of us lah... and jeering our stupid opponents while cheering us hunks on to victory... Nice fantasy huh?

Sidenotes: Being the gallant type, I would like to request all of you Dasch people to tone down your language. So far I agreed you all have not used that many or that colourful xx-rated words like...mm... I guess no need to give examples as you all are experts. But let's not forget there may be innocent sweet young things visiting our website & reading our dumb reports & messages. What sort of impression do we want to give them huh? So instead of : "Sh*tty", use "Bad until I don't know how to say..." "A**hole", use "The guy whose brain is on his backside", "Our bl**dy stupid captain", use "Our incredibly low-IQ captain", "Our cool vice-captain", use "Our damn cool vice-captain" (Note the emphasis.) and so on.....you get the idea. And of cos I'll lead by example, as you can see somewhere in the next paragraph..

Also, all Dasch people are now off my mailing list..... after what happened last time when my private email was hijacked by our incredibly low-IQ captain (y'know.. that guy with the dorky haircut) and published in the Dasch newsletter... Hey!! How bloody embarrassing man! ..can't a guy have some privacy?! And does anyone know how Kenneth's steamy affair with his girl is developing?? What is that cutie's name??? She's real cute, in case you haven't seen her yet. Her vital stats? Address? Phone number? Hobbies? etc.... Anyone who knows write these in the Forum!! And can someone kindly request her to keep Kenneth more busy? How come he got so much energy to do stupid things like... ruin my reputation & spread evil rumours?

And I hope no one complains about the imperfect English used here. What do you expect from a below-average student like me? Anyway, we all Singaporeans rite? Speak Singlish rite? Though I concede writing an entire essay in Singlish make it bit difficult to read (somehow speaking Singlish more natural than writing it)... so as far as possible I've tried to maintain a certain level. Also, do you realise you about the only group of people I know who communicate in English exclusively... through JC to NS to (sometimes even) university... I mostly spoke Mandarin to others? We belly high-class or what?

Now, if you've been dumb enough to read till this point, you should have realised by now that I actually have absolutely nothing to say; all the above mostly unrelated non-soccer junk are just to fill up space. Don't blame me ok... it's not my fault. Wait till we play another match... & experience another crushing defeat.. and then I can insult everyone again in the match analysis if you want real news. You can just imagine the headlines then, "Dasch Rovers plays like a headless chicken yet again" or maybe that would be insulting the chicken - it would have performed better than us.

Predictions: The new English Premier League season starts soon.... And of course.. needless to say, all of us are looking forward to seeing exciting players like Dodd, Pahars, Oakley, Benali, Beattie & Saint Matt in action again. My predictions? Southampton will win the championship, the FA and League Cup. And Matthew Le Tissier to be voted the EPL, European and World Player of the Year 1999/2000. ("Le God, Le God, Le God..." can you hear the chant?) Nearer to home, Singapore to win the SEA Games soccer tournament for the 1st time (probably via a freak result like our finals opponent getting 4 men sent off or scoring 3 own goals or whatever). And Dasch Rovers ..yes, us.. to win our next match by a club record margin (and after that, some S-League club wants to sign up our manager for pulling off such a miracle). But no bets please, I don't wish to bankrupt anyone... Now for some truly unbelievable news: someone wants me to do a weekly column here. Hey wow... what a genius.. Dream on... How some people get the idea I'm that crazy, I dunno.

Lastly, I hope you all would write in to protest against reading such inane commentary, and demand that the editor reject all further articles from me. Appeal to him or threaten him if necessary.... I'll be forever grateful ok.. as I'm retiring from such a thankless job... And also, why don't he himself write something worth reading... what kind of lousy editor is he??

As our famously stupid saying goes, "Don't act stupid!!" But do try to stay alive till our next match hor...