FINALLY! Our hiatus from soccer is coming to an end as we prepare ourselves to enter another season of upsets (i.e. when we do NOT lose), laughter and enjoyment (Yiying, Alvan, Yiying, Alvan, Yiying...), bickerings (Kenneth) and spectacular goals (Daniel) and misses (Cai). So, before we start the season ,here's a brutally accurate evaluation of the players' individual strengths (if there are any) and weaknesses (you all know what I'm talking about). If I miss out anybody, then it can be that you are absent from the matches when I turn up, you never do anything significant, or simply that I do not see the reason for including you in my highly regarded column.

Goalies:

Chekky --highly erratical but mainly amusing and entertaining. And you should see what he does on the pitch! The only goalie in the team (not that we have many more) that fights with the captain about when he can play outfield. He should improve his first touch, passing, positioning, vision, soccer sense.....and much more. Maybe he should stick to goalie as that's where he can make the least outfield mistakes.

Ruibin --by far the most reliable goalie ever since Chekky abandoned his position. Now, I have nothing but praises for this guy. Here is a smart lad who knows that the only way he can start regularly in a team is by playing in a position no one else wants. Makes the occasional blunder but has otherwise cemented his place in the team.

Defenders: hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah

Tianrui --please, learn the basics of how to trap and pass the ball. Making tackling the only element in your game will stagnate your growth as a player.

Yingjie --now, here's a guy who has a common similarity with Michael Owen. And nope, I'm not talking about the pace. I am talking about the tendency to show a lot of promise in his younger days and just slowly fade away. He also loves to use the push and chase the ball, lose possession and leave a gap behind for opponents to exploit. Maybe he should start to see that the ball can actually travel faster than him and it does not get caught out of position and never gets tired.

Kenneth --needs to show more tenacity as a player and more leadership qualities as a captain. A captain always protects his teammates on the pitch and never bickers with them over small matters and end up causing them to leave the pitch in a an angry haste. Passing and heading need to be improved.Also needs to be more firm and vocal.

Lester --should know never to undermine your own teammate in front of opponents. For example, if your star striker falls in the opponents penalty box ,DO NOT tell him to just get up and get on with the game in a derogatory tone as it only serves to make the star striker look as if he dived. Of course, there are always exceptions to the rule. For example, if Yiying falls anywhere, anybody in the team has the right to shout at him to "get up and stop faking injury lah! You useless fuck!" And one more thing, never quarrel with the captain during the match, do it afterwards.

Midfield:

Raymond --we all know how small and weak you are. So we forgive you for not being able to challenge opponents for the ball for fear of being trampled to death. Easily the second most intelligent player on the pitch with your ideas, but must not be afraid to voice yourself during a game.

Desmond --the most hardworking player in the team. Makes up for his lack of skills and flair with pure grit and tenacity. Good for a team like Dasch as that is how we manage to grind out draws and prevent losses.

Jiamin --does he still keep in contact with Kenneth? This guy seldom turns up and when he does, he leaves at half time. Is he the star around here or am I? I won't bother writing much about him since I believe he doesn't even read the website.

Minheng --now here's a player fans talk about in the same breath as Daniel Ding, the superstar. Both players graduated from the same soccer school of excellence and have played with each other on many occasions and different levels.Both players have known each other for almost 12 years and although he may not score goals as often as the great one Daniel Ding, he creates many with his dazzling runs down the flanks and also scores the odd but spectacular goals. I repeat , he is probably the only other player in the team who can in anyway be remotely close to Daniel in terms of abilities.

Forwards:

Yiying --hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Should learn how to take criticism and jokes. Should also turn up for the next match so that everyone can fuck him for trying to be a prima donna and not turning up for matches. But seriously, he should have more confidence on the ball and look up for support. Do not look only at the ball because if you do that, you will not know where to pass to. Should not take jokes too hard as they are afterall just jokes and remember,we are your friends, not enemies.

Cai --tall centreforward in the mould of Niall Quinn. was regarded highly by the RJC soccer coach after the behind-closed-door blow jobs he gave the coach. can shoot very hard but rarely on target. main strength is his ability to screw all nite long and remind the captain and all in the team that he refuses to partner Yiying up front.

Daniel"superstar"Ding --WOW! this guy has breath-taking pace and body strength. has great confidence and superb vision, and tremendous versatility. IS definitely the best player in the team and possibly the world. It's not difficult to explain why he has not been snapped up by the likes of Inter, Liverpool, Barcelona. None of them are good enough for him. (sigh!) It must be really lonely being the best and sitting on top as the king of the hill. One more thing is his extraordinarily good looks which make Beckham look like Alvan or Yiying.

People who feel that they deserve a mention can always make known their feelings to Kenneth who will in turn feedback to me. I'm sure Alvan will not be one of those since he has hardly shown any real committment to the team in terms of soccer (although he has religiously submitted his articles to contribute to the website). Alvan is basically what we would call a fringe fringe player. that means he is called up as a really last resort since he does not have the basics of a soccer player. Of course, people who do not know him would think and picture that he is a Daniel Ding based on his articles in his column. The only way he can be me is in his dreams and he lives that out in his column articles. So let us all be real pals and pretend along with him.

Daniel Ding , Columnist, DaschWeb

The editor says....Take it easy Alvan. He says he wants to be friends with you.

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